A few months ago I had a conversation with a friend and he was talking about relationships that had not gone well and that even many years later (and after much growth and maturing), he felt bad about these situations. We had a deep conversation that felt enlightening to him (in terms of opening his mind, but also as a means of lightening an emotional weight he had been carrying), and since this concept was new to him I felt it might be important to share with y’all as well.
The word atonement means to make “amends” or “reconciliation”. If you break up the word it really helps you understand it: at-one-ment. To be “at-one” with someone or something. To be in unity or harmony with someone or something. Not separated. Not in an energy of disharmony.
To atone for something you have done means basically to: 1- apologize for a hurt you caused 2- and then to fix whatever you can to make things right again. We might be familiar with an example of a child hitting a baseball through a neighbor’s window, breaking it. 1- We walk over with the child to apologize. 2- We pay for the new window pane, and the child will do extra chores around the house to earn the money, or perhaps around the neighbor’s house to earn the money. This example we might have learned as children ourselves is idealistic, but sometimes as adults and outside the watchful eye of a parent, and in less than text-book situations, we don’t know how to make amends, and sometimes our emotions are too hurt, jaded or bitter to even see that we need to make amends.
Our natural state is peace, love and harmony (this word indicating differences but working together for a beautiful outcome, like a symphony). “We are one” is a popular phrase now-a-days; and it’s true. When two people have something between them causing a separation, causing problems, causing difficulties in communication and hurt feelings, we are not in a state of harmony and unity.
Separation is a death of unity. When separated from something we do not relate to it; when united with something we are in relationship with it. A relationship involves 2 different people, who remain different individuals, but as they come together there is an energy created and fostered between them that becomes the relationship and is shared only between them. When something is done to hurt feelings, instinctively we want distance from that which hurts us. The longer there is a chasm between them, the separate energy which is the relationship will slowly die, this relationship energy is not being fed or renewed.
This pain can remain in our hearts for a very long time. It is our own responsibility to find forgiveness for ourselves and for the other person; but if real bridging of this gap can happen and this discord can be resolved, this relationship energy that lingers in both hearts will be released sooner and more gently. This may not mean the outcome each person wants will happen or has to happen; however calmly talking, explaining and seeking to understand and agreeing to be peaceful, without force will ease this pain. By talking we are relating again.
We come back into harmony with someone when we close the gap between us. For example, someone’s feelings are hurt, by something you said or did. Making atonement with this person is:
1- You express that you are aware how your words and/or actions affected this person. Express sympathy or empathy for the way they feel. Explain that what you said or did was not meant to hurt them. Explain why there was a misunderstanding (perhaps there was not enough information conveyed at first and now you need to fill in the rest of the information in order to explain the full situation). Yes, each of these steps are important!
2- Sometimes apologizing will be sufficient, but other situations will require action to actually fix it. Perhaps bringing flowers will do, or maybe it’s beer. Perhaps changing your own behavior or perspective is needed. Or like our little example above, you might need to actually replace something tangible. Be cognizant to know what is appropriate in your situation. Or in conversation with the other person, just ask.
As I mentioned the conversation with my friend above, I encouraged him to get in touch with his exes and offer atonement. Hearing it late is still better than never, especially since it was stirring in his heart. A few years ago I had an ex apologize 4 years later; it was still meaningful and appreciated. Just in the last month I had 3 people come and offer atonement to me. I don’t know why this has happened all together just right now, but it makes me more aware that perhaps I need to share this important concept with you.
The first was an ex who I’d been separated from for 8 months. I had done my best to offer atonement directly to him at the time, he refused my contact and blocked me on his phone. I did my best to forgive in my heart and review my own portion of the situation. Thinking I’d never hear from him again, my phone rings at 12:30am on a Tuesday night. He asked if he could come over, I said WHAT?!?! He said he wanted to talk. I said are you kidding me, are you sure you know who you just called, I’m the one you hate. He said he wanted to apologize for the way he treated me and he wanted to do it in person. I was suddenly awake at that. I was shocked though and still in disbelief. He had to do most of the apologizing over the phone on his way over, because I just didn’t believe he was aware of who he had just called. But I did get up and talk with him when he arrived. The hour didn’t matter, the sentiment did; I know the courage he mustered up to contact me and the courtesy he wanted to show by saying it to me face to face. (He had never been too conscientious about timing, and this for him was monumental, so I just let it go that it was the middle of the night.) Within the next few days, I felt a huge weight had been lifted. It actually did make such a difference. And it affected being able to date again and trust again and open my heart again.
The second was a girl from my gym, she was kind of a leader of this group of girls who had all snubbed me months earlier. After she had unfriended and blocked me on facebook I realized there might not be reconciliation possible in her eyes. I pondered it for about 2 weeks, then I wrote a card saying that I didn’t know what I had done to upset her, but it was unintentional and I was sorry. I left it on the windshield of her car when I was headed into the gym. It’s been about 2 months, but recently she stopped me at the gym, said she got my note, had been hoping to run into me, and that whatever it was was a misunderstanding and there are no hard feelings. There was actually more to it than that, however I realized if she was willing to take a step to bridge this gap (which I initiated), I would also have to take a step as well (in letting go the rest of the situation). Overall, I’m pleased she was willing to come to atonement with me and now being at the gym is much less uncomfortable.
The third I had not even asked the Universe to send me at all; the others I had asked for. An ex from 5 years ago, now living in Europe, sent me a very long message on facebook. He said how wonderful a person I am, how he had been too blind and wrapped up in his own life’s problems to give me what I deserved and he apologized for a few others things. He was kind, sweet and encouraging. This came as a shock, we had actually discussed some things back then anyway, and the rest I had totally let go of. For me, right now, timing was good as I just needed an uplift. Then we had a very nice conversation about life and where we both have been over the years.
In each of these I tried to review the situation, own up to the mistakes that were mine, atone for them and then tried my hardest to lovingly let go of any further outcome letting the others follow their own path, and focus on my own path and my own karma and my own integrity, not reflectant on anything else. It does feel good to have it reciprocated… even much later!
What if this person has passed from this life. Or you just cannot get in touch with this person? Here is something I have done, and suggested to my friend mentioned at the beginning. I even did it for those I mentioned above when I was trying to create atonement between myself and them, even if only on an energetic level, and peace in my own heart.
Create a safe, calm, peaceful, inviting, space and time to have an energetic meeting with this person. Sometimes I only get peace and quiet lying in bed before I drift off to dreamland, I will spend some time then/there to do this. Close your eyes and quiet your mind. Feel within yourself peace, no judgment and love. Lovingly invite this person to join you for a conversation about the situation. Envision them entering and with an open mind & heart. Make sure to thank them for accepting your invitation and being there with you. Explain why you did what you did. Explain why they would not have known your perspective and that it was a misunderstanding. Or if it wasn’t a misunderstanding, but you lost your temper, explain why you did. (This also helps you see where your triggers are, so you can avoid them in the future.) Explain that you see how you had hurt them. Apologize for what you did and wish them well.
In the case of them hurting your feelings: Explain what happened and how you felt. Explain why this hurt you so much. Make sure to apologize for any part you played in the situation. Gently ask for an apology. Then you have to let it go in your real life. When it crosses your mind again, because it will, trust that the Universe has it under control and timing will be appropriate to each individual’s growth cycles. Let it go that you might never hear from this person again. If you do months later or years later, great, you’ll be ready to accept it graciously and continue moving forward.
Let us not assume the fault is 100% on the other person. I truly believe that if you are involved, you own part of the responsibility; even if your part is only 10% and 90% is the other person. More often it will be more like 50/50 though. You need to own up to your part, and atone for your part, because in the end, your Soul and your karma is all you can really affect anyway.
Spring-time is just around the corner and this season holds new beginnings. At this time many of us evaluate how our goals for this year are shaping up, what we want in life, how to improve, etc. May we also consider relationships and anything that we said or did that caused separation, and let us consider if atonement is needed. May we have courage and clarity of mind to reach out and create harmony; even if only to resolve any previous disharmony, to find closure and lay to rest any hurts we caused to others.
Bliss and Abundance!!!
Hope Grace Roe 🙂
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